Healthy ways to deal with anger
- Take a time out.
Get yourself away from whatever you’re angry about and take time to calm down. If you want to burn off some extra energy, try shooting hoops, working out, running or walking. Other good time-out options are reading, listening to music, talking to someone or sitting quietly by yourself.
- Own your feelings.
Your feelings belong to you. You alone can learn ways to control your anger and express it in a healthy way. Try saying “I feel angry” when you feel the anger coming on. Try to figure out whether something else is upsetting you. Are you hurt? Afraid? Frustrated? Sad? Confused? Lonely? Jealous? Maybe that’s behind your anger.
- Talk things through.
If you’re mad about what someone else said or did, make sure it’s not just a mix-up or a false rumour. When you talk to someone who has made you angry, be clear about how they have affected you and what you would like them to do differently. Stay calm and respectful. If they do change their behaviour for you, thank them.
- Look at what you can change.
Your anger is telling you that you need to take action, to make some changes. Pay attention to what makes you mad. You might be able to learn ways to avoid situations, or to deal with them without losing your cool and getting into trouble. What are some things you have control over and can choose to change?
- Accept what you can’t change.
You won’t always get what you want and things may not always turn out the way you would like them to. You might decide some situations will never change and you are willing to accept them the way they are. Acceptance can be a big part of dealing with situations that upset you.
On a scale of 1–10, how often do you deal with anger in a healthy way?
Always Never
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Unhealthy ways to deal with anger
- Blow up!
Exploding is an aggressive way of dealing with anger. Name-calling, swearing, shouting and threatening are verbal ways of showing your anger. Physical ways of showing your anger can include slamming doors, throwing things, kicking, punching, hitting, scratching, or using a weapon like a knife or a gun. Doing these things to other people (or around them) is wrong because it can be threatening or scary to them. It’s also illegal, which can lead to trouble with the law. Knowing you have hurt someone while you were angry can also be scary to you, especially if it has happened more than once. Often, exploding in anger once means you’ll do it again and it will be harder to control. It can make you feel bad about yourself, which may make you push away people who are close to you. It can also cause you to use alcohol and other drugs to hide from your feelings.
On a scale of 1–10, how often do you express your anger by blowing up?
Always Never
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- Stuff your anger.
Stuffing your anger back down inside, or covering it up by using alcohol or other drugs, is a passive way of handling anger. But stuffed-down anger has a way of coming out anyway. It can come out in physical problems like back pain, ulcers, stomach aches and headaches. And if you keep trying to escape your feelings by drinking or using other drugs, you’ll be more likely to develop an addiction problem.
On a scale of 1–10, how often do you avoid anger by stuffing it down or by using drugs?
Always Never
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- Complain.
Sometimes if you are really angry, it can help you to talk to someone about it—unless your talking turns to complaining. If you are just complaining about a situation instead of trying to figure out ways to deal with it, you could end up getting madder instead of feeling better. You could end up playing the “poor me” game instead of really dealing with your anger.
On a scale of 1–10, how often do you choose to complain about what is upsetting you instead of dealing with it?
Always Never
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Now take a look at the scales you have completed and answer the following questions:
- Are most of the ways you deal with anger healthy or unhealthy?
- What are some things that happen to you that you don’t like when you deal with anger in an unhealthy way?
- Look at the list of healthy ways to deal with anger. Which ones would you be most comfortable trying first?
- What are some good things that can happen to you when you start dealing with anger in a healthy way?
