How to get through to your teen

Your daughter is using drugs and you want her to stop. Your son is drinking too much and you think he should quit. Every time you try to talk to your teen you end up disagreeing and feeling like you’ve gotten nowhere. How do you get through to your kids?

Trying to get someone you care about to change their behaviour is hard. Often it seems like your teen doesn’t hear a word you say. The harder you try to help them see the problem, the more they seem to resist. Why can’t they see the problems the drug use is creating?

The answer isn’t simple, but there is an answer. If you want your teen to change, you need to understand the process of change itself. Changing behaviour doesn’t happen overnight. You can see six separate stages in the process of change.

“I don’t see a problem” (precontemplation)

 Stage one starts before the person is even thinking about changing. The person doesn’t see a problem and has no intention of changing their behaviour. When your son or daughter is in this stage, you might hear things like, “It’s not a problem,” “Get off my case,” or, “I don’t use any more than any of my friends.”

When your teen doesn’t see a problem and you pressure them to change before they are ready, they are likely to dig their heels in. The harder you try to convince them that they have a problem, the more strongly they might try to deny it. This is where the arguments usually start—you see a problem and they don’t, and so you become deadlocked.

If your teen is not yet thinking about change, the most helpful thing you can do is provide information that helps them to see what a problem looks like. Make sure you give them factual, unbiased information that shows both sides of the story. This is often very hard for parents to do. When you love someone and are worried about them, you tend to focus on the dangers and the down side of the situation. But kids are much more likely to engage in conversation if both sides are presented. They are more likely to learn if they can see that you’re willing to learn too.

Help your teen to make informed choices by providing accurate information about drinking and other drug use.

This doesn’t mean you can’t express your concern. You’re worried and afraid for your teen—that’s a fact, too. Continue to tell them how you feel and how their behaviour is affecting you.

“Maybe I have a problem, but I hope I don’t” (contemplation)

 The second stage of change happens when the person starts to think that maybe their behaviour is starting to be a problem. They might admit to having a problem one day and then be really unsure the next. If your son or daughter is in this stage, you might hear things like “Well, maybe I have a bit of a problem, but I can deal with it on my own,” “I know that my drug use is creating trouble between us,” or, “I’m not sure if I have a problem or not.” A lot of mixed feelings about whether or not there is truly a problem are very common in this stage.

If your teen is in the undecided stage, they are probably struggling to understand the problem. It can be very helpful for you to help them look at both sides of the decision to change. Help them look at the benefits of changing as well as the costs of not changing their behaviour. For tips on how to do this, the activity on page three is a starting point.

“I want to change, but not today” (preparation)
In the third stage of change your son or daughter will have to make the big decision: if I do change, what will I have to do? People who are in this stage are preparing to make the change. They might experiment to see what the change would be like— cut down on their drinking or limit their drug use to weekends. Mixed feelings are still common, but they are leaning strongly toward change.

If your son or daughter is in this stage, you might hear things like: “I know I need to stop, but I’ll do it next month,” or, “I want to quit but I’m not sure how.”

As a parent, one way to be helpful at this stage is to assist your teen in exploring all the options. Everyone is different and there is no one right way to change a behaviour. Some people are able to stop drinking or using other drugs by going to counselling; others like to use a support group such as Narcotics Anonymous. For some, attending a residential treatment program works best. Help your son or daughter look at all the options so that they may choose the one that fits best for them.

“I’m ready” (action)

 The fourth stage is the one where your son or daughter will actually make the behaviour change—they’ll quit drinking or quit using other drugs. This is the stage that most parents hope their kids will be in right from the beginning. But, you can now see that this is actually the fourth step in a process. Until your teen has worked through the earlier three stages, it is unlikely that they will be ready to actually make the change. The good news is that once your teen is ready to change, there is lots of help available.

As a parent, your role in this stage is to support your teen’s efforts to get help. Please be patient. Remember that change is a process and that this “action” stage will take time. Problems don’t develop overnight and they don’t go away that easily either. Your child may need to work with a counsellor, use a support group and maybe even go to a treatment centre in order to start on the road to recovery.

“Staying on the recovery road” (maintenance)

 You may not want to hear this, but changing the behaviour is the easy part. Maintaining that change will take even more work. Once your teen has actually stopped drinking or using other drugs, they will have to learn new ways of living so that they are not at risk of falling back into old behaviour. This is called relapse prevention.

Many people who successfully change a behaviour remain in a maintenance stage for the rest of their lives. They are constantly practising their new living skills in order to navigate a world where alcohol and other drugs are readily available. In this stage, many recovering alcohol or other drug abusers continue to use counselling and support groups to help them stay strong and enjoy recovery.

Sometimes relapse happens. Your son or daughter might go back to drinking or using other drugs. Often this is a one-time slip and your teen will learn from the experience and get back on track. Sometimes the use continues and your son or daughter will return to the old behaviours. While nobody wants to encourage slips or relapses, they are often a part of recovery. If your teen relapses, help them to get back on track. Remember they have gone through five stages of change already and none of that has been lost. A slip is like a setback or a temporary detour on the recovery road. What’s important is to help them get back on track without feeling like they have failed.

“I’ve made it” (termination)

 At this stage, change has already happened. Returning to the old behaviour is no longer a temptation. People who reach termination have complete confidence in their ability to cope without any threat of relapse. Very few changers ever reach this stage. Most continue to focus on maintaining the positive changes they have made and keep on getting better and better.

Now that you understand how behaviour change actually happens, you are better equipped to get through to your teen. That’s a process, too, and it will likely take time and patience to help your son or daughter to see a problem. Work with them, not against them. Recognize what stage they are in and try to “meet” them there. Match your actions to their stage and chances are they’ll move forward a little at a time.

Patience with progress

When you find yourself becoming impatient or wishing that your kid would hurry up and change, talk to a counsellor or join a support group yourself. Take small steps forward, helping your teen move toward change. Pressuring them to change before they are ready will likely result in them taking a step backwards. Think back to a time before the problem occurred. Your teen was doing lots of things right back then. Change is possible. Help them to get it back—get their life back.

The Protection of Children Abusing Drugs Act (PChAD)

Effective July 1, 2006, the PChAD Act gives you another option to help your child when all treatment options have been tried or if your child is refusing help. If your child is under 18 and has a serious alcohol or other drug problem that has caused or is likely to cause harm to them or others, you can ask the court to have your child admitted to a protective safe house for up to five days. If the court supports your request, your child will have a safe and supportive setting at the protective safe house to begin detoxification, and an AADAC counsellor will help you and your child develop a treatment plan to follow after your child leaves the protective safe house. For more information about PChAD and the court-ordered detox and assessment program, please see “What if I’ve tried every option?” in this series.

For more information

AADAC staff understands that everyone’s needs are different. Whether you want to prevent your child from using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs, or you want to help your child deal with a drug problem, we can help. From information and prevention programs to group and family counselling, outpatient and residential treatment, and even a wilderness program, AADAC and its Funded Services offer a full range of services to help your child and your family.

For more information, contact your local AADAC office or call the AADAC Help Line at 1-866-33AADAC. We are available to give you information and support.