If you're a parent, you're a role model: How to teach your children by example

Don’t look now, but somebody’s watching you!

There’s no such thing as the “perfect parent” because being a parent is the world’s most difficult job. You may appreciate the special joys of raising a child, but you also know that it can be demanding, challenging and exhausting—and there’s no time off.
Some days you do a great job as a parent. Other days you would rather not think about. But every day you act as a model— for your children.

It can be a scary thought, but from the time they are babies, your children are watching you and learning from you. They learn from your actions and your conversations. They absorb your attitudes and copy your expressions. Before they even reach school age they’ve probably learned far more than you ever intended.

Is this something to worry about?

That depends. Your child will eventually grow up and have to make grown-up choices. If you show restraint when it comes to alcohol, other drugs and gambling, then chances are your child will follow your example. If you control your temper and treat others with consideration, your child will copy your behaviour.

Can other people serve as role models?

Absolutely. If your child has a grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend to spend time with, that person also becomes a role model. A teacher, coach or neighbour may become a role model. The more positive examples your child has to learn from, the better.

Just one caring adult can make a huge difference. Even when a child’s life is difficult and filled with conflict, having one person who cares can give that child a lot of strength. Children are able to overcome very hard experiences in life, as long as they have someone who will stand by them, no matter what.

Anyone can be a role model, but parents or main caregivers are still the major influences in a child’s life. Even when your child is a teen and seems to show no interest in being “just like you,” they’re still watching and copying—still using you as a role model.

How can I be a good role model?

One way is to think about how your behaviour affects your child. You can’t always be calm and cheerful—nobody is. Besides, children need to see that their parents can express real feelings in a healthy way. If they see you handling anger appropriately, they’ll learn from you. If they watch you celebrating special occasions without alcohol, they’ll learn something. If they see you facing difficult times without trying to escape through alcohol, other drugs or gambling, they’ll remember. As they grow up, they’ll learn by your example. And they’ll have that example to follow in years to come, when they are coping with life’s challenges.

What if I make mistakes that I don’t want my child to copy?

If there are problems in the family, even very young children can be affected. Typically, children believe that they somehow caused the problems, and that family conflicts flare up because of something they did that was wrong.

You can help by talking to your child. Even a very young child understands a sincere apology. It’s possible for you to be honest with your child and still not burden them with adult problems. For example, you can apologize and explain that sometimes you make a mistake (by drinking too much, or losing your temper) but that you are trying hard to change. The important thing is to emphasize that you love your child and that adult problems are not the child’s fault.

How can I make my child think of other positive role models?

Talk to your child about your own experiences when you were their age. Tell your child about someone who made a big difference in your life, and why you admired that person. This may be someone who is still alive and is also a part of your child’s life, or it could be someone your child will never meet.

Tell stories about family members or friends who showed real courage, kindness, humour or determination in their lives. Talk about the people you still think of as role models now that you’re an adult. Who do you admire, and why? This will help your child realize that different people behave differently. Your child may begin to consider which people they would like to try to copy as they grow up. These people can be your child’s role models.

It’s not easy being a model for another human being. But since modelling is a big part of every parent’s and caregiver’s role, it’s probably a good thing to keep in mind. Somebody’s watching you!

For more information

AADAC staff understands that everyone’s needs are different. Whether you want to prevent your child from using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs, or you want to help your child deal with a drug problem, we can help. From information and prevention programs to group and family counselling, outpatient and residential treatment, and even a wilderness program, AADAC and its Funded Services offer a full range of services to help your child and your family.

For more information, contact your local AADAC office or call the AADAC Help Line at 1-866-33AADAC. We are available to give you information and support.